Our lives are way too good for you to ever get another tattoo

Keeping Up With The Kardashians: “Our lives are way too good for you to ever get another tattoo.”
Well this was a particularly meaty episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, in respects both literal and figurative. There were late-night fast food binges, there were dudely heart-to-hearts, there were private investigators – it was all very scintillating! Per usual, there were three plot threads to follow. We’ll start with the most frivolous.

As I warned you in my recap of last week’s episode, Rob has put on an impressive amount of weight since last season. Stars, they’re just like us – they eat their feelings, and sometimes they sneak a box of Pop-Tarts into their rooms, and they hope their sisters (who they live with) don’t notice, but they totally do. Kim and Khloe were worried about their little bro, but what really burned their biscuits was the fact that newly zaftig Rob was “all over the blogs.” Is there anything more shameful than being all over the blogs? The fam made light of Rob’s situation, even as they said things like, “He told me he pulls over in his car and cries once a day.” Obviously, Rob’s extra bulge is far more offensive to the Kardashians than the idea that he might have serious, deeply-rooted emotional issues. Rob approached Kim about his fatty guilt, had a “come-to-Jesus” moment, and vowed to change his food-loving ways.
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Rob was admittedly depressed because he was worried about how his flub was going to affect his career in the fashion industry. (You remember his forever-in-development sock line, yes?) He was so depressed that he flaked out on an 8am gym appointment with Kim’s personal trainer. Nine times. After he flaked on a tenth gym date with Kim, she hunted him down while he was enjoying a pile of ribs with some guy friends, and started piling on the slacker shame. (I don’t want to make it seem like Rob was literally eating his way through the episode, but it was certainly staged that way.)